Both Sides of the Coin

“the point of abandonment
is also the point of arousal”
The Justification of the Miraculous p47
Gabrielle Everall Dona Juanita and the Love of Boys

“Again and again I’m picturing you rejecting me. This is the moment I love.”
p91 Gabrielle Everall Dona Juanita and the Love of Boys

At the same time
I was hit out of bounds and began to fall
my cousin began to fall too

She sang wise men say only fools rush in
I sang the chains of love got a hold on me

She wrote a long passionate letter
she wished she hadn’t posted
I wrote short text messages
I wished I hadn’t pressed send

She couldn’t get him out of her head
Walked for miles remembered everything he said
I couldn’t get him out of my head
Walked for miles remembered everything he said

Her happiness was a red and gold banner in sunlight
My sadness was a black edged white sign under the moon

She began to paint again
I began to write again

At her easel she felt as if God was her lover
At my desk I felt as if God was my tormentor

She wanted to tell the world
I remained silent

Her friends told her she looked beautiful radiant
What happened? they asked

My friends told me I looked wracked cracked
What happened? they asked

Her lover took her face in his hands
pulled her towards him
until she was on tiptoes
they kissed
they kissed
they kissed
It was what she dreamed of longed for

I only met him once
he rang at midnight
to deliver goodbye
we never touched
never touched
never touched
It was what I dreamed of longed for.